All My Relations, Part the First

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I've been trying to write this post for 3 days but there's been one interruption after another; for one thing, I don't think I've been alone since way before I left Mysore. Honestly, I don't even get to sleep alone: this 8 bedroom house is so brimming over with rellies that we're sleeping three to a room. In the last three hours alone, there have been two babies (very cute babies but still...) screaming in my ear. Also, an uncle wanted to check his email on my little laptop. Then, one of screaming toddlers' moms (my cousin by marriage, I suppose) came to hide out in our room for 10 mins -- looking for a little escape from her son's damp and screechy embrace, no doubt. Another aunt appeared with my "nightcap" of lime juice....The children were finally dispatched (not permanantly), the uncle and cousin were dealt with, and the lime juice has been downed. So this is Diwali in the bosom of a large, noisy, and I daresay, conservative Indian family.

Let's see -- I left off on board the train, didn't I? Well, we arrived and were met at the station by another of my assorted cousins. At last count, I had 18 cousins on this side of the family -- about 12 of them had gathered for this Diwali, plus a few spouses and a few babies. The cousins haven't started to breed wholesale so there are only a handful of babies -- well, 9. And they're all pretty young -- under 5, I think. So there are always a couple of anklebiters underfoot in the house. I'm having lots of fun teaching them to call Ma Mere "Ajji" (grandma) while she prefers that they learn to call her "Aunty." My hope is that when she's faced with the reality of being called Grandma by a variety of rugrats she'll realize that she doesn't really want to marry me off and become a grandmother for real.

Speaking of becoming a grandmother for real, I should note that the Famme would take great offence to me phrasing it that way. The way this particular family works is very... linear, I guess is the best way of describing it. They believe that nominally, at least, all of the children belong to the house and all of the adults are their mothers and fathers. Well, almost. The catch is that it's very much a patrilineal household: all of my dad's brothers are my "fathers" and all of their wives are my "mothers" -- even their designated names bear this out: "Big Dad" (everyone calls the oldest brother this). So, Ma Mere is a "mother" to about 13 of the 18 cousins -- she's a "Mami" or aunt) to the others, not any kind of a mother -- and the funniest bit of this is that she's a mother-in-law to Big Dad's sons' wives. Which makes her a Grandma to their kids.

As confusing as all of that was, it determines a hell of a lot; for instance, you can't ever marry any of your "brothers" or "sisters" (i.e, first cousins who are the children of the sons of a family can't marry each other) but it's still quite acceptable to marry off first cousins who are the children of a brother and sister. Again: blame patriarchy -- the argument here is that once a sister is married off, she (and any kids she has) aren't from your family so there's no familial bar against marrying them. I don't know what Mendel would have had to say about this but it seems to me a thoroughly bad idea from a genetic standpoint. Other, less mind boggling things that are determined by this system is that you get lots of gifts bought for you by random family members - but there are rules about how and when you can accept them. At any time, you get to accept and don't have to reciprocate with gifts when they come from the any of your father's brothers (and their wives) 'cos after all, you're their kid too. But if you're given a gift by your father's sister... then you (well, your parents really) have to buy her (or her family) something in return because they're not part of your family, after all.

Still with me? I could tell you about the various varieties of aunts and what not but I'll spare you. I'll just say that inspite of what must seem like real chaos, the family is fairly well sketched out and everyone seems to know what to call everyone and how to treat them. And after all that is figured out, there's the fun of doing everything is huge mobs: bursting firecrackers, going to Bollywood movies, eating out, eating in, dressing up and attending wedding-ey events, buying saris... everything is more chaotic and (generally) more fun when you're doing it in a pack of 12. Note that I've done all of the above and I've only been here for 3 full days! Details on all of the above (and more!) in Part the Second of All My Relations!